Mike’s condensed history of Glaze (version 2.0a Beta 3 Build 2491.304c)

This document was discovered in the back of a previously unknown digital 8-track phonograph box, which has never been found…possibly because such an item does not exist.  It was originally written in Mike’s infamous (read:  “more than famous”) handwriting, complete with hearts to dot each “i”, and plenty of “Do you like me?  Check yes or no” messages.

Spring, 1993

I’ve met some guys with long hair.  They must be cool.  I think I’m going to hang out with them so I can get some chicks.

Summer, 1993

The whole chick thing hasn’t really worked out.  I’ve formed up a band with the long- haired guys.  We’re pretty sure that the problem with our “chick theory” is that they dig guys in bands, and not just guys with long hair that hang out with a dork.

Spring, 1994

Well, I’ve discovered that some theories can be flawed.  The problem with my previous theories has been discovered.  We need talented musicians to join with us so that we have some kind of credibility.  Unfortunately, those kinds of people are already in bands with other talented musicians.  However, we did meet two more guys with long hair who will join us in our quest to get chicks (they already have leads, so more for the rest of us!).  Now we have five guys with long hair and one dork, so my chances of picking up “residual chicks” are skyrocketing even now.

Summer, 1994

We play our first “show” on Jeff’s back porch.  It goes well.  Chicks show up and they clap (probably just because they are our friends).   Wayne proposes to his girlfriend.  I think they went somewhere to have s...uh…celebrate.  The rest of us aren’t doing so well.

Fall, 1994

One of the long-haired guys leaves the band.  Chris apparently couldn’t take the torture of the “chick curse” that the rest of us endure, although we think he’s been doing okay on his own.

Winter, 1994

We play our first real show!  Canal Street Tavern on December 21.  It goes well.  Chicks were there and they cheered.  I nearly get sick from nerves on stage…that would have gone over well…

Spring, 1995

Glaze attempts to play in the Wright State Battle of the Bands.  I have serious equipment problems.  The show goes poorly.  Not a single chick offers her bod…uh…shoulder for us to cry on.  Maybe a band needs to be good to attract women.

Summer, 1995

We play in the Dayton Band Playoffs.  We lose in the quarterfinals to a crummy hippie band.  They have longer hair.  I fall asleep.

Spring, 1996

Glaze wins the Wright State Battle of the Bands.  No chicks rush the stage.  Not a one.  No chicks dance, not even fully clothed.  I’ve discovered that it doesn’t matter how good a band gets:  If you’re a dork, you’ll always be a dork.    Glaze plays WO Wright's after performing at May Daze.  Jeff falls into Wayne's drum set and makes a fool of himself.

Summer, 1996

We play in the Dayton Band Playoffs again.  We lose in the quarterfinals to another crummy hippie band.  They also have longer hair.  I manage to stay awake.

Fall, 1996

George cuts his hair.  Just what we need:  another dork in the band.

February, 1997

Something must have happened.  I’m sure of it.

Spring, 1997

Glaze plays the Wright State Battle of the Bands for the last time.  Jeff and George blow into these weird looking brass things that I’m told the high school band used to own.  Wayne beats the drums; Randy jumps around.  Mike drinks, shaves his head, and gets laughed at…a lot…mostly by Randy.

Summer, 1997

Glaze breaks up.  George blames it on Feng Shui.  Randy goes to Montreal and cuts off his hair.  Reports that Randy has joined a religious cult are quickly quelled when he uses the “Deathtongue Secret Devil Sign” from “Bloom County”.  Jeff, Randy, and Mike form Schroeder with Nate Caulkins as a side project.  Schroeder lasts for four performances and 25 original songs before Nate claims that his art class is taking up all of his time.  The rest of us don’t understand.

Spring, 1998

Jeff cuts off his hair.  Vatican confirms it as the 3^rd sign of the apocalypse.

Fall, 1998

Glaze reforms with Mark Szabo, who has long hair.  He takes over the lead guitar duties and brings new sounds and equipment to the band.  Mike is seen splashing holy water on himself to protect him from the glowing box of sound.

Spring, 1999

Glaze plays its first gig with Mark Szabo.  He wears a bright metal shirt.  Wayne drags his feet on the carpet and shocks them both.  Paramedics revive them just before the show.  Mark brings a fog machine.

Summer, 1999

Jeff returns from Europe and rejoins the band.  He still has short hair, and claims to have kept his hands off of the beautiful girl he toured with.  The entire bands weeps.

Fall, 1999

Wayne cuts his hair again.  Randy cries for three days about losing the “Viking”.  (That may have been a stretch…I believe he actually said, “Nice ‘do!”…or something.)

February, 2000

Mark cuts off his hair.  Mike is reported as saying, “I knew that would happen!”

June 10-11, 2000

Glaze visits Toby’s studio in lovely downtown Cincinnati (behind the dumpster).  Toby proves to know more about music than the entire band combined and makes us sound good.  We witness a fight outside the studio and consume vast quantities of water.

September, 2000

After getting a nice 5 song demo and a great manager, Glaze loses Mike and Jeff to the monster of creative differences. 

February, 2001

Glaze takes a break from music.

Spring/Summer, 2001

Just like the bad relationship that won't go away, Glaze reforms with Jeff, Mike, Randy, and Wayne.  Now, where did we leave George????